Dongprint

The first example of a nob-print found by our field correspondent in Edinburgh! The nobartist's 'hard man' nature comes through in what is a testimony to a daring act of masculinity. Braving the chilly northern climes, this nobartist showed no fear in whipping out his chap, dunking his dong in an unknown substance and happily beating his meat against the post leaving a spectacular imprint for all to enjoy! A true hero of nobart!

Pork Sword

Slicing through the undergrowth, this meaty chopper thrusts forth like Excalibur majestically released from it's stony shackles! The vivid colour echoes the Templar-like cross in the background - this meaty machete really is the stuff of legends!

Arizona Boner

Mmm. Succulent.

Tackle Grabber

This skate park mural's bright colours could hide a tale of violence and abuse. While the dancing figures pop out of the wall with a sense of hyper happiness, a closer look reveals a more dangerous side. The character on the right has clearly got the dancer totally by the nuts! Was this an attestation by one of the indigenous skaters of his superior skills and ability to truly have the others by the short and curlies in competition? The Nobservatory speculates that this is indicative of complex societies forming on skate parks and resolves to research further into the field of Tackle Grabbing in the near future.

The Sole to Pole Ratio: Early Beginnings

Fig. 1

NOBART: ORIGINS 2.

The Sole to Pole Ratio: Early Beginnings

Prof. Belle Ennde

The Valcamonica valley in Northern Italy, nestled between the lakes of Como and Garda, is home to one of Europe's richest collection of rock art. The inviting surfaces of limestone and other calcareous rock were left open to prehistoric people as the ice caps retreated, willing the valleys inhabitants to whip out their tools and start banging away. And naturally, that's what they did. The rock art of the Valcamonica valley consists typically of zoomorphs or anthropomorphs many depicting hunting scenes as can be seen in fig 1. Later images dating from the first metal age also commonly feature tools. In fig 2. we can see one such example. A little figure almost dwarved by his massive tackle, he is out among the other horned animals, waving his weapon about and generally causing havoc. 

The Nobservatory has been speculating wildly and groundbreaking research is currently being conducted in the area. A distinct feature in Valcamonican rock art is the random depiction of footprints, "footsoles", which have stumped experts for decades. Nobservatory researchers believe Valcamonica may be the first known source of the largely mythologised "sole to pole ratio" of phallic measurement. The footprints occur in pairs all over the site and whereas in other European rock art, depictions of footsoles are often easily identified as some sort of directional indicator, the Valcamonica ones are bunged anywhere, willy-nilly as it were. The Nobservatory is now championing the view that they were created as a scale against which a chap could measure his chap, the image in figure two supports this hypothesis. Though a very basic anthropomorphic study, the cock is clearly prominent, and closer comparison between the dimensions of the todger against those of the tootsies reveal a startling Vitruvian ratio. The length of the foot is equal to the breadth of the fully extended knacker sack which bisects the main shaft at precisely the point where another footsole-length from the tip terminates, then another 0.6 of a footsole to where it joins its character. A revelation in what we knew of early-man maths. Or early man-maths. To have been endowed with such a generously, not to mention perfectly proportioned winkie, this character must depict a someone very important in the settlement - the cock of the village, perhaps.

Fig. 2

Sources:


Scarre, C. The Human Past, London (2009)

Paul G. Bahn, J. David Lewis-Williams, Christopher Chippindale, Jarl Nordbladh, Polly Schaafsma, David Frankel "Rock Art"   The Oxford Companion to Archaeology. Brian M. Fagan, ed., Oxford University Press 1996. Oxford Reference Online. Oxford University Press.   The Open University.  http://www.oxfordreference.com/views/ENTRY.html?subview=Main&entry=t136.e0372-s0003 [13 February 2012]

Maretta, A "Digging the Past: 100 years of research on Valcamonica Rock Art" (n.d.) http://www.scribd.com/Alberto%20Marretta/d/19769466-Digging-The-Past-100-years-of-research-on-Valcamonica-rock-art [13 February 2012]

Image: OUA251 Rock Gallery, Open University [13 February 2012]

Dog and Bone

It's Cute, It's a Dog, It's a Nob, you can show it to your Mum.

Found on the Internets by nobservent reader - MinerWilly

This wonderful Fluffy Percy is doing the rounds on the internet and was tweeted to NobWatchUK via @windust,

is this the start of a new web meme - NobDogs ???

No Left Turn Nob

A community-spirited cock assists the general public by reiterating the sign it enhances. Generally perceived as an artform of rebellion, this nobartist goes against the grain. His nob serves to physically underline the message while reminding the general public - if you turn left here, you're a nob.

Happy Valentine's Day from NobWatch

Tin Machine

 This nobby tin machine is a municipal ticket dispenser and a perfect example of the wang-by-angle ("wangle") phenomenon. The machine seems to have been shaped like a funky little rocket, like you imagined David Bowie's Major Tom to have...
Fortunately for Nobwatch, the slot where the machine releases it's load is positioned just so making it look more like a massive bell end.
Hallo Spaceboy!

Hohle Fells Hanger - A Stone Age Wanger

Welcome to the first chapter of Nobart: Origins, a series of little wee articles on early examples of nobart and nobartefacts from around the world dating from prehistoric times - all the way up until the Victorians ruined it all. Damn prudes!


NOBART: ORIGINS 1


Hohle Fels Hanger: A Stone Age Wanger
Prof. Belle Ennde


In 2005 a team of archaeologists led by Nicholas Conard from the University of Tubingen unearthed this 28,000 year old dong from the Hohle Fels cave in S. W. Germany. The siltstone nob was found in 14 separate pieces which when assembled made a magnificent cock of rock. "It's clearly recognisable" Prof. Conard told the BBC.
Wild speculation blazed through the archaeological community: could the 'life size' representation (20x3cm - for those of you who are interested) suggest it was used as a dildo? Or do the marks on the shaft indicate a function - the knapping of flint?
Intensive research conducted by the Nobservatory points towards its use as a tool, skillfully crafted by it's owner to raise a snigger from the lads and wielded with comedy pride down at the old flint mine.

Sources:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4713323.stm

http://www.geo.uni-tuebingen.de/en/work-groups/prehistory-archaeological-sciences/early-prehistory-and-quaternary-ecology.html

Long Vehicle

A seasonal flurry is always bound to cause havoc for motorists, but never more than when coupled with a skilled nobartist! Discovered on the internets by @Grunheld, this titanic todger is not the sort of tool you'd usually keep in your car boot.
Clearly created by a massively skilled sculptor, the snownob shows delicate detail in it's mossy pubes and curvaceous bell. But the most striking thing is it's enormous size - if a car acts as a penis extension, what does this monster say about one's package?

The Flying Phallus

Once again our little nation has been shafted by Adverse Weather conditions - but while we're stuck indoors, unable to dig our motors out of the drifts for a Sunday morning jaunt, this enterprising sculptor is creating the perfect seasonal hood ornament spotted by @TedHawo - the Flying Phallus!  The Phallus stands proud and erect, flush to the wind, it's forward thrust indicating motion and eagerness. Nice one @TedHawo - the Nobservatory salutes you!
Naturally such a wondrous example of symbolic mascotry can't possibly be featured on a jalopy, this is no wanger for a banger... it must belong to one of those high performance jobs - the only things out on the road today.
The type that has four wheeled drive, wideboy tyres and a smug b@stard in the driver's seat. Nob!

Snoopynob

The author of this piece is clearly a master in the art of perceptual ambiguity. Pleasing on the eye in its undulating curves, the nob branches off at it's tip and midway down the shaft morphing the image into a cartoon canine.

Betesticled Test Tube

Inevitable that a bit of frost proves irresistible for a post nobernist artist during a post pub amble home. The nob's stark shapes are minimalist and have a crisp modern feel. The shaft is shaped with clinical artlessness like a test tube balancing precariously on compass-drawn bollocks of varying circumference giving the piece a welcome imbalance.