Wienerstrasse

NobwatchUK was delighted to discover this homage to Nobart on the wonderfully named Wienerstrasse!
What would appear to be a shop sign in the sociallyacceptableinoffensiveconformistart style reveals hidden nobby depth. On closer inspection the diminutive tackle is brightly coloured in pastels gleefully projecting a stream of fluid joy forming a little heart shape. Exquisite!

Dirty Old Chap

Check out this dirty old man! Basking on his beach towel with his wrinkly little stiffie bobbing in the breeze. NobWatchUK detects a correlation between the lack of a nob-drawing youf at nudist beaches who should be out busily cataloguing inspiration for their art, and the saturation of saggy sac'd seniors as such locations, their frequent visits attested to by their similarity in appearance to a sea of saddlebags with eyes. Three eyes each.

The Sole to Pole Ratio: Early Beginnings

Fig. 1

NOBART: ORIGINS 2.

The Sole to Pole Ratio: Early Beginnings

Prof. Belle Ennde

The Valcamonica valley in Northern Italy, nestled between the lakes of Como and Garda, is home to one of Europe's richest collection of rock art. The inviting surfaces of limestone and other calcareous rock were left open to prehistoric people as the ice caps retreated, willing the valleys inhabitants to whip out their tools and start banging away. And naturally, that's what they did. The rock art of the Valcamonica valley consists typically of zoomorphs or anthropomorphs many depicting hunting scenes as can be seen in fig 1. Later images dating from the first metal age also commonly feature tools. In fig 2. we can see one such example. A little figure almost dwarved by his massive tackle, he is out among the other horned animals, waving his weapon about and generally causing havoc. 

The Nobservatory has been speculating wildly and groundbreaking research is currently being conducted in the area. A distinct feature in Valcamonican rock art is the random depiction of footprints, "footsoles", which have stumped experts for decades. Nobservatory researchers believe Valcamonica may be the first known source of the largely mythologised "sole to pole ratio" of phallic measurement. The footprints occur in pairs all over the site and whereas in other European rock art, depictions of footsoles are often easily identified as some sort of directional indicator, the Valcamonica ones are bunged anywhere, willy-nilly as it were. The Nobservatory is now championing the view that they were created as a scale against which a chap could measure his chap, the image in figure two supports this hypothesis. Though a very basic anthropomorphic study, the cock is clearly prominent, and closer comparison between the dimensions of the todger against those of the tootsies reveal a startling Vitruvian ratio. The length of the foot is equal to the breadth of the fully extended knacker sack which bisects the main shaft at precisely the point where another footsole-length from the tip terminates, then another 0.6 of a footsole to where it joins its character. A revelation in what we knew of early-man maths. Or early man-maths. To have been endowed with such a generously, not to mention perfectly proportioned winkie, this character must depict a someone very important in the settlement - the cock of the village, perhaps.

Fig. 2

Sources:


Scarre, C. The Human Past, London (2009)

Paul G. Bahn, J. David Lewis-Williams, Christopher Chippindale, Jarl Nordbladh, Polly Schaafsma, David Frankel "Rock Art"   The Oxford Companion to Archaeology. Brian M. Fagan, ed., Oxford University Press 1996. Oxford Reference Online. Oxford University Press.   The Open University.  http://www.oxfordreference.com/views/ENTRY.html?subview=Main&entry=t136.e0372-s0003 [13 February 2012]

Maretta, A "Digging the Past: 100 years of research on Valcamonica Rock Art" (n.d.) http://www.scribd.com/Alberto%20Marretta/d/19769466-Digging-The-Past-100-years-of-research-on-Valcamonica-rock-art [13 February 2012]

Image: OUA251 Rock Gallery, Open University [13 February 2012]

Hohle Fells Hanger - A Stone Age Wanger

Welcome to the first chapter of Nobart: Origins, a series of little wee articles on early examples of nobart and nobartefacts from around the world dating from prehistoric times - all the way up until the Victorians ruined it all. Damn prudes!


NOBART: ORIGINS 1


Hohle Fels Hanger: A Stone Age Wanger
Prof. Belle Ennde


In 2005 a team of archaeologists led by Nicholas Conard from the University of Tubingen unearthed this 28,000 year old dong from the Hohle Fels cave in S. W. Germany. The siltstone nob was found in 14 separate pieces which when assembled made a magnificent cock of rock. "It's clearly recognisable" Prof. Conard told the BBC.
Wild speculation blazed through the archaeological community: could the 'life size' representation (20x3cm - for those of you who are interested) suggest it was used as a dildo? Or do the marks on the shaft indicate a function - the knapping of flint?
Intensive research conducted by the Nobservatory points towards its use as a tool, skillfully crafted by it's owner to raise a snigger from the lads and wielded with comedy pride down at the old flint mine.

Sources:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4713323.stm

http://www.geo.uni-tuebingen.de/en/work-groups/prehistory-archaeological-sciences/early-prehistory-and-quaternary-ecology.html

12: Lords a-Leaping

To conclude our Seasonal Special, the 12 Nobs of Christmas, we have this wonderful submission from @Wormstir via Twitter.

 This Leaping Lord was snapped opposite a nobby bar in Chamonix. His gimpy headwear and dribbly whang belie his blue blood: the Nobservatory suspects he may be called Jonty or Tarquin

a nob taking his grossly outsized package for a jaunt on the piste.

The inscription on the abdomen reads "Lucky". It could be that the nobartist is rather jealous of this Fresh Prince of Bell End, dangling his massive swinger, merrily spunking away and quaffing martinis in his nobby local bar, never realising how priviledged he is while the nobartist cringes outside, alone in the cold with his stumpy little pencil.

Fountain Phallus

No serious study of Nobart would be complete without a one eyed wink at Pompeii. This is the stuff that gives nobartists their validation! Possibly the only nobart to acheive listed status, Pompeii boasts streets lined with ancient wangers. Well worth a gander, and don't worry, unlike most nobart, this'll be around for a while yet.